Self-Care Tips and Coping Mechanisms for Families Supporting a Loved One with BPD

Self-care strategies for parents and caregivers, managing stress while supporting someone with BPD, finding support groups or therapy as a family member, setting healthy boundaries, showing empathy and compassion for your loved one with BPD.

As most of you may know, and for those who don’t, my second daughter has BPD. She also has a couple of other diagnosis, but BPD is her main diagnosis. Understanding and accepting her disorder has been challenging for our family and continues to prove challenging. Each day can be different, and some days can even seem unbearable. Throughout her time in residential facilities and family therapy sessions, we learned a few self-care and coping skills that help, most of the time. I hope that some of the below strategies, help you find new ways to understand and deal with you loved one, living with BPD.

Empathize and validate: Try to ensure that your loved one knows that you are empathetic and that you are trying to learn and understand them. Using I statements such as, “I understand your emotions or feelings” or things like “I understand you did that because you felt this way”. But make sure they explain themselves to you, no matter how hard it is to understand or how long it takes. Even if their actions are extreme or irrational (which they normally are, with BPD). Try to remember that they are not acting out on purpose but rather as a part of their disorder. It may be out of impulsive or to get attention, if they suffer from other disorders such as ADHD. Be constructive, but not harsh. Always try to redirect their behaviors without belittling them. This can be very hard, especially if you are not a “gentle parent”, but if we can do it, so can you.

Setting healthy boundaries: With BPD, you cannot beat around the bush! You must set clear expectations and limits. I have learned this the hard way, many times and I am still learning. If my daughter asks me for something and I want to say no, but instead say maybe, she will take that maybe as a yes. In return, if I tell her that I said maybe, she will get triggered and become upset with me. I do this a lot, and I pay for it every time. To avoid stress, you need to stop worrying about feeling bad and just say no. When you need to say no, say NO! When it comes to the rules and expectations, write them down! So that they are visually reminded of them, daily. Get a big calendar, a whiteboard, put sticky notes on the bathroom mirror, etc.

Be consistent and avoid enabling behaviors: You want to be compassionate and accommodate your loved one’s needs but not let them take control of your empathy. Set rules, keep them the same and don’t allow something sometimes and then not others. This causes HUGE issues. If you don’t allow something, make it clear, otherwise, they will continue to do things you don’t approve of, in different ways. This is why being consistent is important. Set rules and stick to them. Make sure they are clear and straightforward. Do not joke or make light of it. Remind your loved one of your boundaries and rules. Otherwise, you more than likely will cause your loved one with BPD to become triggered, angry or frustrated.

Taking accountability: Reactions to family members with BPD may sometimes be extreme, harsh, and hurtful. You may explode at times because you are just so fed up. Believe me, I know. There are so many times when I just didn’t understand my daughter’s behavior. The lying, stealing, fighting, it all just becomes too much. And those are just the minor things. But, as a parent, you must realize that our kids go through so much that we aren’t aware of, both inside and outside of the home. So, we must be understanding and take accountability for our part in the situation. Whether it was ignoring the signs, not getting them help sooner or just flat out ignoring the issues. Admitting when you are wrong or went overboard, is key to helping your loved one with BPD feel seen and heard.

Understanding Triggers: It is very important to learn their triggers. This can be very challenging, especially when you have other children, are working or just overwhelmed in life. But try to pay attention. See what upsets them, try to learn their behaviors when they are trigged, if their triggers are unstable. When my daughter starts to get triggered, she will start to pinch her hands and ball up her fists, she will then move on to scratching her hands as they are clenched. By learning this behavior, we have been able to stop her from self-harming on many occasions.

Preventative Care: It is critical to keep everything put away that could pose as an object for your loved one with BPD to use to self-harm. Get a safe or a lock box.  Locking away medications and getting used to locking away all sharp objects takes some time. And as silly as it may seem, you should look away, EVERYTHING. Even things you may not consider. Pencil sharpeners, crayon boxes that have pencil sharpeners inside, razors, kitchen utensils and knives, paper clips and other office and school supplies, such as staplers. Medications, cleaning supplies. Lighters, matches, clicker pens. LOCK THEM AWAY!

Seeking support for yourself/other family members: Supporting a loved one with BPD can be an emotionally taxing journey. It’s so crucial for parents and caregivers to recognize the need to get help for yourself or your other loved ones that may be affected. It can be extremely hard when you’re trying to manage your loved one with the disorder, especially when it’s one of your kids. Stress can quickly overwhelm you and you can even find yourself depressed, trying to find ways to help your family member, who is suffering. Don’t be afraid to go to individual or family therapy sessions. You can’t help your loved one, if you aren’t able to help yourself too. It’s easy to overlook what someone else is going through if you can’t recognize what you are going though.

Accepting the new norm: A diagnosis is not the end of the world. It can be very upsetting and frustrating, and at times, hard to adjust to. You may think it’s ridiculous to have to lock away certain items or to not have certain things in your home, but at the end of the day, it’s saving your loved one’s life. It takes time to adjust, just like anything else, but if you are willing to try, you will start to see change for the better, you will worry less and you will know that you have done, as much as you can, to keep your loved one with BPD safe.

There are so many other coping mechanisms and ways to help your loved ones with BPD. As a parent or caregiver, it’s so crucial that we don’t forget to take care of our own mental health and well-being, while we are head deep in, supporting our loved ones with BPD. No day is easy or perfect. Helping our loved ones make it to the next day is so challenging, yet so rewarding. With the help of our whole community and more education on Borderline Personality Disorder, we can make a difference.

As usual, thank you all for reading. I truly appreciate your love, support and feedback.